Too Big to Fail: The Movement

Wall St. is burning. The markets are going crazy. In these dark days, only the strong (or those favored by the government) can survive. AIG was too big to fail. Freddie Mac was too big to fail. What about you?

If you refuse to let a recession stop your shine, rock the tee shirt and rep the movement. Visit www.biggerthanthebank.com to order.

So yeah, I made these tee-shirts in hopes of funding the “Canal Street Bailout Plan.” That’s right, I’m pumping all proceeds straight into 15-minute foot rubs, pirated mixtapes, and street signs that say “Fuhgeddaboudit”! What was my inspiration for this remarkable product and its noble cause? Read the story after the jump.

The financial crisis gripping the world right now has introduced many new terms and phrases to the vernacular that a lot of us had never heard before. “Subprime morgages.” “Credit default swaps.” “Toxic assets.” These are strange, technical terms that will hopefully be washed out of the news cycle and never be heard again, sort of like “foot-and-mouth disease.” But one phrase that I hope will never die is “too big to fail.” Indeed, I am on a mission to make it the Buzzphrase of 2008. Hopefully you will find it in your heart to help me on my quest.

The “too big to fail policy” was not birthed this year, but it has leaped suddenly and dramatically into the public consciousness as a result of large-scale bailouts of major financial institutions, both on American soil and abroad. Back in the day, you see, failing institutions had two options: shut down or sell off its assets and liabilities to another firm. But the Federal Deposit Insurance Act of 1950 introduced a third option—the federal government could prop up an institution through loans or the direct acquisition of assets until things steadied out.

back then, it was a precautionary measure that regulators were wary to implement. Fifty-eight years of free market capitalism later, the Treasury is shelling out $700 billion to buy “toxic assets” and “nonvoting preferred shares,” and god knows what else. AIG was declared “too big to fail,” as were Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. With the broad scope of the bailout, it almost feels like the economy as a whole has been deemed “too big to fail.” Now, Iceland (yeah, the country) hopes Russia thinks it’s “too big to fail.”

Is it just me or does the phrase seems kind of counter-intuitive? If a company were really “too big to fail,” then it wouldn’t need any outside help, right? It would be indestructible. Untouchable. Here’s why: the phrase, as it’s used popularly, has been truncated to serve as a euphemism for the real meaning—”too big to let fail.” That one little word takes all of the wind out of this phrase’s sail. A company that is “too big to fail” is know longer bold and definitive, standing alone in opposition to the forces that would oppose it. The word let brings into play another meddling agent who must give it “permission” to either fail, or not. It is no longer impressive to be “too big too fail,” more a depressing and confusing indicator of how vast and unknowable the world economy is.

Well, I’m here to flip the script. When I first read “too big to fail” in the newspaper, my first thought was, “Oh, they mean R. Kelly.” I mean, this phrase is so hip-hop! Taken at face value, it is a declaration of strength and defiance. It says, “I am colossal.” It says, “Failure is not an option.” It says, “Excuse me peasant, get off my dick!” You’ll notice the Run DMC homage in the tee-shirt’s design—stroke of genius, I know.

Anyway, if you’ve made it this far, that’s what this tee-shirt is all about. Not AIG and sheisty mortgages, but Main Street hustlers, Lil Wayne, and anyone out there who has determined that success is going to be the only option. Cop the shirt, rock it a size too big, and listen as the streets scream out, “I guess he’s got his swagger baaaack!”