The Characters of the TSA
Vacation is fun, but you know what isn’t? Traveling.
“Embrace the journey” doesn’t always apply to 12-hour flight delays.
Unless you’re flying private, there’s no skipping the drive to the airport, the TSA line to the gate, or the fear that your bags will get gate-checked.
The point is, you need a coping strategy. And that strategy is all in the outfit and carry-on.
What you choose to wear and carry, of course, says everything about who you are and, more importantly, where you’re going.
Glasses ARNETTE ($80)
The pièce de résistance of any fatherly ’fit, these classically crafted shades are designed for efficient wear and performance — especially if herding a gaggle of little ones through screening is the main priority. Employ the adjustable string for quick identity verification at customs, and then it’s back to stylin’ and profilin’ (we’re still saying that, right?).
Shoes AURALEE x NEW BALANCE (price upon request)
This New Balance collab gives Dad’s regular sneaker rotation a much-needed boost. A far cry from the grass-stained trainers he usually dons daily, the Auralee NBs signal to fellow travelers that Pops is getting fly in more ways than one.
Hat COACH (price upon request)
A classic ball cap is always a good choice when putting together a calm, transit-friendly ensemble. We won’t ask why you’re always wearing a hat, Dad.
Wallet BURBERRY ($490)
For this year’s anniversary, Mom got a trip to Turks and Caicos, and Dad got… um… a new wallet — hey, it’s Burberry, though.
Keychain BALENCIAGA ($1,235)
One key for the car, one for the house, two for the bike locks, one for the locker at the gym that you’re definitely going to start using after this trip, and another for the house (you can never be too careful), all conveniently dangling in one opulent location.
Bag OAKLEY ($195)
What began as Dad’s signature backpack, carrying him through innumerable excursions and adventures with the fellas, has slowly transitioned into the trusted family carry-all, complete with half-eaten snacks and an assortment of hypoallergenic essentials.
Sweater GUCCI ($460)
When the Gucci sales associate offers to throw in a special knit for Puppy at checkout, you don’t turn them down.
Shoes VALENTINO ($990)
What makes for a better “let’s never fight again” gift than a pretty pair of Valentino heels?
Glasses GIORGIO ARMANI ($511)
There’s nothing as tasteful as a pair of Giorgio Armani sunglasses. They also help with the whole “vindictive mob wife” aesthetic, if that’s what you’re going for.
Watch HERMÈS ($3,350)
A classy Hermès timepiece will never go out of style, and it looks even better when adorning the wrist of someone clasping a champagne flute in the member’s lounge before boarding.
Sex Toy BIIRD ($85)
Everyone needs a trusted travel buddy by their side, one they know will ever disappoint them.
Dog
Pookie flies first class, no debate. And if anyone has something to say, they can talk to the credential.
Bag ARC’TERYX ($50)
We all know that the OG outdoorsmen were rocking the fossil logo long before any fashion bros discovered GORE-TEX.
Sports tape PHIPPS ($3)
Because there’s nothing more embarrassing than having a finger blister pop as you hand over your passport.
Water bottle CAMELBAK ($16)
Hydration is key in every situation — don’t use travel as an excuse to skip out on your daily gallon.
Shoes SALOMON ($140 92)
A shoe made for trekking through the wide open spaces… of your gated community.
Sunglasses GIORGIO ARMANI ($1,385)
You wouldn’t normally associate Armani with action sports, but in this case, it works. These elevated rec specs take sport mode into the luxury space, ensuring that you can still get a look off while conquering that V6 boulder climb (the crimps are always the most difficult, we know).
Hat SATISFY ($85)
A hat to tell us you’re part of a weekend running club without telling us you’re part of a weekend running club.
Shoes SAINT LAURENT BY ANTHONY VACCARELLO ($1,090)
You can learn a lot about someone by their shoes, , and someone casually rocking a pair of Saint Laurent loafers on travel day wants you to know exactly who they are.
Watch OMEGA ($8,100)
Time is of the essence, especially when dealing with the TSA line.
Phone case RIMOWA ($180)
For someone who’s got so much business, even their phone needs to be suited up.
Ring LOUIS VUITTON FINE JEWELRY ($4,450)
Nothing says undying commitment like a little LV.
Wallet PAUL SMITH ($260)
Not only is Paul Smith a great choice for holding your cash and travel credentials, but it’s also the name of the financial consultant sitting next to you in business class.
Glasses BURBERRY ($309)
Was it the Burberry frames that gave away the Diamond Flyer status?
Pen CARAN D’ACHE ($175)
Crisp with a fine point. The perfect tool to quickly jot down the contact information of that sneaky link.
Sunglasses DIESEL ($225)
While known for its denim, Diesel eyewear also makes a great coverup when the hangover is hitting but you need to look effortlessly glam at the gate.
Shoes PARIS TEXAS ($534)
From the club to the plane, as it should be. Sometimes there’s no time to swap out your Paris Texas pumps before coming face-to-face with TSA.
Necklace BALENCIAGA ($698)
This Balenciaga necklace is a simple reminder to keep things fun while traveling the world. Plus, it’s a great conversation starter at the pool bar.
Underwear on top AGENT PROVOCATEUR ($70)
The only time brand mixing is acceptable is when it looks this sexy. Just like the name suggests, only a true Agent Provocateur would be so bold as to show off this seductive top while filling their bin.
Underwear on bottom VICTORIA’S SECRET ($18.50)
The only time brand mixing is acceptable is when it looks this sexy. Your special “vacation bottoms” have made a special appearance during a TSA screening.
Hair clip DAVID MALLETT ($129)
Yes, 18-karat gold will be flagged going through the metal detector. It’s kind of a chic moment.
Lip Glow Oil GUERLAIN ($40)
Glossy lips for the gorgeous girls sitting pretty in economy.
Perfume CELINE BY HEDI SLIMANE ($255)
It’s one thing to visit a five-star resort, it’s another to smell like one forever.
Gourmette & Pendant Necklaces LOUIS VUITTON FINE JEWELRY ($27,800 & $7,300)
Yes, this LV necklace does pull every outfit together, but we all know it only stays around your neck because it was a gift from your ex.
RUSH
You gotta come down off that vacation high at some point, and TSA is usually that place.
