In this FRONTPAGE story from the new issue of Highsnobiety Magazine, Holland opens up about his journey as the first openly gay K-pop idol. Read this story in Korean here.
I was born as Go Tae-sup as an only child. It’s been a while since I’ve lived by myself. I was born around Seoul, and went to school around Ilsan.
I went to a special vocational school in middle and high school. I majored in drawing, and my boyfriend at the time majored in photography. We acted as each other’s muse, then I became interested in photography. At first, I wanted to be a documentary photographer. I was influenced by those who captured everyday life or war. Photography as a field is friendly to the LGBTQ community. Seeing photo books about homosexuality was the first time I felt a sort of freedom. That was my last year of high school, so I was about 17 years old.
My real dream was always to be a musician, even before photography. When I was in middle school — when I was bullied — pop music was the only place that talked about LGBTQ topics. I listened to legendary artists like Queen, David Bowie, Lady Gaga, and Maroon 5. I was hugely inspired by artists who talked about LGBTQ rights. As soon as I turned 20, I traveled to New York for a month. That’s the first time I ever went abroad. I realized the world is so much bigger and there are a lot of different kinds of people. I asked myself again, “What kind of person do I want to become?” I realized my dream was to give inspiration and hope to teenagers, twentysomethings, and young LGBTQ people.
I knew [my sexuality] when I was in middle school. I was confused in elementary school. I didn’t come out to my family for eight years. I think my mom knew I was gay but she was always in denial. I was bullied for being gay and my parents had to come to school, so she probably definitely sensed it. I think she thought I was just young and confused. That was really hard on me. My family wasn’t by my side when I needed them. Then I came out when I debuted as an idol. [My parents] cried so much, apologizing. They said they would be on my side no matter what, that if there was a family member that didn’t like [that I was gay], they were ready to sever ties with them. I’m worthy of being loved, so if someone doesn’t like me, it’s their loss. If they don’t know me, it’s their loss.
I named myself Holland last minute. I was under a tight deadline when deciding how to write my press release. I was really interested in the Netherlands at the time because that’s the first country that legalized gay marriage. I’ve never been there, but it seemed like a very free place that doesn’t care about who loves who. I looked up to that freedom. I wanted to be a place like that to someone else. That’s why I named myself Holland, which is another name for the Netherlands.
My new album is the second chapter of my life. NUMBER BOY is about numbers — how many Instagram followers I have, how many people listen to me on Spotify, how many fans I have, how many tickets I’ve sold. They’re all numbers. But instead of lamenting that, I’m saying if you’re going to judge me by numbers, then I will become someone with bigger numbers. It’s a resolute song. What led me to write this was my ex-boyfriend. When we first met last year, he didn’t know I was Holland. When he found out, I couldn’t tell if he liked me for me, or because I was someone famous. But I think I loved him so much that rather than being disheartened by that, it made me want to try harder. I wanted to succeed more. That’s what inspired NUMBER BOY.
My role is closer to an entertainment agency. I start from the story I want to tell. Then I decide which artists and producers will be good to collaborate with. I write lyrics myself but not the beats. I bring the big picture. I visualize who the music video director, hairstylist, makeup artist, stylist should be, and I contact them myself. Then how to release the teaser, how to interview and distribute the press release, all of that is my role.
There are no examples [of gay idols] in Korea. I’m in a position to have to pave the way myself, so it’s a bit challenging. I could not have come this far with just the title of being the first gay K-pop idol. I came this far because of the support of the fashion industry. Fashion is one of the most supportive industries for the LGBTQ community, and a market that Holland can most appeal to as a character. Another reason I could do well [in fashion] is because of my photography background; I understood what to do for good photos. Naturally, I got opportunities for photoshoots, events, fashion week, and campaigns.
Some people may think I am an artist, and some may not. Simply put, to some, I am nothing special if not gay. But if I consider myself as an artist, then I’m an artist. If I believe in myself, I will have the opportunity to grow. More than that, I think about what kind of person I should become. My final goal is to appear in school textbooks. When it becomes time for young kids [in Korea] to study about LGBTQ, I want them to mention me. Recently, I met a fan majoring in K-pop in college, and they said there was a lecture about me and that I appeared in their exam. That meant a lot to me. I remember I was very touched. [That textbook] will be a family heirloom.
I’m very energized by love. I expend a lot of energy on it. It’s inseparable from me. Love is what made me start photography, and love is what made me go to college. I debuted because I wanted to be a person that could share love. I wrote songs when I was in love. Who knows. What is love? Well, it’s invisible territory, love. There’s no person who doesn’t want to be loved. It’s a very basic desire. I don’t know. I want to love badly, and I want to love soon.
I’ve never really talked about what happened to me. [The bullying] started in middle school, when I confessed to a boy I liked that I had a crush on him. He told the whole school, and I became prey to the school bullies. They would say humiliating things when I was just walking by, like they could smell male genitalia in my mouth. Even after school, kids from other schools beat me for “staring at them.” At lunchtime, they knocked me to the floor and choked me with a jump rope, and dragged me around and around the classroom. There’s a drama called The Glory that’s really popular right now. I’m watching it with deep interest. (Editor’s note: Netflix’s The Glory is a Korean revenge drama surrounding high school bullying.) I try to be positive about it, like that experience made me stronger, but it’s not easy. Honestly, that’s the reason I debuted. I wanted to prove myself to them, that I can be loved. It was my own form of revenge. But it made me feel like I was still trapped inside them. I could have lived a normal life, but I had to debut because I wanted to prove myself to them, and I wonder if I’m continuing this work because of that. I think that will always be on my mind. I still don’t like going to the area around my middle school. [That’s why] I’ve never talked about where I was born or where I grew up. I came this far thanks [to that experience], but I don’t think it made me happier. I’m not sure. I think I’ve forgiven them to an extent, but not perfectly. I don’t have anything I want to say to them. I just wished they could see me as I am now, and regret what they did. Not that I think they will.
Who am I to give someone advice? It’s really important to know yourself, and accept and love yourself for who you are. No matter who you love. I hope everyone can become strong enough to love and heal themselves. If you can’t, you can borrow some strength from me. If you have nowhere to turn to, you can talk to me.
